All Out Of Love
by SophieImpala
Summary: The story takes place 2 years after Castiel stepped into the water. Still, Dean can't seem to let it go. Will he ever get over Cas...
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fanfic. It may seem familiar: I had an account on here before with only this first chapter. i never had time to write so I blanked my account (deleted everything) I forgot I did that and made a new one and decided to keep this so... Well, have fun! and please review, I would really appreciate it ;p**

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It's been two years now, since Castiel died - well, disappeared. Two years, but for Dean, it felt like a lifetime.

And he refuses to believe Cas is dead. _He just can't be dead, he can't be._

That's what Dean has told himself, and anyone who disagrees, for a long time now, but it doesn't make Cas any more alive.

And somewhere, deep inside, he knows that. He knows his angel isn't coming back. He doesn't want to believe it, but with everyone telling him to get over Cas… should he? Should he stop hoping, stop searching for his angel?

Even his brother gives him that caring smile, the one that says: "It's okay Dean, It'll all be okay." Although, Sam doesn't really believe that, and Dean doesn't either.

Sam cared about Cas and he wishes it all ended differently. But it didn't.

And Sam knows that. Dean doesn't want to talk about what happened back then. About any of it.

But after two years, Bobby, he's moved on. And he keeps telling Dean to do the same. Even Sam doesn't seem so sure about Cas coming back these days.

That's the reason why he feels so betrayed and alone. Don't they care? Don't they want Cas back?

Of course he knows that Bobby hasn't forgotten about Cas, and that Sam is still struggling what to believe.

Still, Dean feels like they've given up somehow. Though, they continue to support him in whatever he does. Like he's some kid that has to find out the truth on his own, the hard way, by walking right into it.

_This isn't over - _Dean thinks - _I won't let it be over._

Dean walks over to the man, his last steps almost running. He thinks he's found Cas again. Sam is watching him from across the street, wondering if he should stop him, if he should say: "Dean, you know that isn't him."

For two years Dean's been curling his fingers around shoulders that belong to other men, his voice trembling and painfully hopeful – Cas?

But it never is. Today the man in the light brown trench coat turns around and his eyes are brown and his hair beginning to grey.

"Sorry." Dean mutters, and marches back across the street. Back to his brother. "Not him." He mumbles, his head slightly facing down. Sam nods and slides into the passenger seat. _It's never him._

"Don't stop." Is all Sam offers, because he doesn't want Dean to give up hope.

And secretly, Sam doesn't want to either. And he knows how Dean deals with stuff like this. He buries it away, to never talk or think about it again, and that it kills him.

The guilt. It'll haunt him, it'll hurt him. And that's the least thing Sam wants. As long as Dean's hoping, it won't hurt him so much.

And between the two of them, he wonders if there's enough hope to call Castiel back, if only for a moment. Just to see his face. They'd know it was Cas, even if it was another, even if it wasn't Jimmy. Dean would always know.

Sam thinks they should be thankful for anything these days.

But that doesn't stop Dean from trailing after every stranger in a trench coat, or catching every pair of blue eyes he sees, hoping for that bit of _something else_that always made Cas exactly what he was.

_I wish I could carry your smile and my heart. For times when my life feels so low. It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring, when today doesn't really know._


	2. Chapter 2

**The second chapter! I hope you like it ;p and please review, i'd really appreciate it.**

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"Please Cas," Dean begged, "just come back. We need you…I need you…you are my best friend!"

he sat down on the hood of his Impala, still staring at the skies as he slowly shook his head.

He didn't even know if Cas was up there. If he was anywhere. Dean took one last sip of his beer before slamming it angrily to the ground.

He watched the glass, now lying in shards – which reminded him of something else – shine in the harsh sunlight. The liquid trickled slowly between the bricks that Bobby had not yet thrown away. "They might still be useful", he had said.

"This isn't healthy, Bobby." Sam claimed while watching Dean from inside Bobby's house. "He's been there for hours!" he shouted.

"There's nothing we can do, boy." Bobby said calmly.

"About what," Sam snapped, "About Cas, huh? Or about Dean?"

Sam couldn't just watch his brother slowly destroying himself. Bobby ignored Sam, and continued reading some book, which was so old, the cover was basically faded.

They both looked up when Dean walked in. "What?" he asked, a little irritated by their looks.

"Nothing…" Sam murmured.

Then louder: "It's just… you're always sitting on your own, you barely eat…" Sam stopped for a moment, trying not to make his brother any angrier, if that was even possible.

He wanted to finish his sentence, but Dean interrupted him: "What do you want, Sam?" He sighed, "You want me to see a psychiatrist? Take antidepressants or something?"

"Dean…"

"I don't want to hear it Sam! Just shut up!"

"I'm fine, okay." Dean sighed after a brief silence. "I'm fine." He repeated as he marched out the room._ I'm fine._

The night was long. Dean couldn't sleep, as usual. He got out of bed and put on some clothes. He tried not to wake Sam as he walked as silently as possible out the door.

He slid into the driver's seat of his Impala, and drove off to somewhere, anywhere. As long as he wasn't thinking about Cas, it was all fine for him.

Dean sat on an old wooden bench, nearby a small lake. His car was parked on the side of the road, which was still visible from where he was.

He thought that if he sat there long enough, staring at the water, maybe everything would disappear. Dean wouldn't care. _It's all meaningless without Cas_, he thought.

_I know it's no fair towards Sam and I know I'm giving him a hard time, but I miss Cas. I miss him so much._

He tossed a small stone in the lake and watched it sink 'till it was out of sight. _Just like Cas_, he thought.

Dean never seemed to show what he felt, nor talk about it to anyone. He believed it made him weak. So he puts up a wall.

Only his brother could break through that wall. He thought that if it breaks, he'd break. That's why Dean had been avoiding Sam.

They hadn't talked much lately. But Dean believed that Sam always knew exactly what he was up to. And of course he knew, Sam was his brother for God's sake!

So, Dean sat there. He thought about that day he took Castiel to a bar in Louisiana. Cas didn't even know what a Purple Nurple was until he drank 8 of them.

Dean smiled for a moment, staring at his feet. He snapped out of his dream when he heard something. His phone. He got back into his car and looked at the screen of his mobile, it was Sam calling. Dean didn't answer it, he just drove back to Bobby's, with _All Out Of Love _playing softly.

It was still dark as Dean arrived at Bobby's. He was tired and just wanted to rest for those last couple of hours.

To his relief, Sam was sleeping, as was Bobby. He sighed and crawled into his bed, falling asleep immediately.


	3. Chapter 3

**Here's the third and last chapter. I hope you enjoy it and don't forget to review ;)**

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"_Sam...Bobby?" Dean whispers. Where am I? He gazes around; there's nothing but a thick layer of fog. A chilly breeze makes him put his collar up._

_Dean starts walking, running and then he stops. A soft voice calls his name. "H - hello?" Dean stammers. _

_He turns around, but it's all the same darkness. The voice is getting clearer now. And even though Dean can't see anything, he knows exactly who it is. _

_"Cas?" he asks hopefully. He turns around again and a bright light blinds him. He sees the silhouette of a man, just out of reach. _

"_Dean…" His voice echoes, "It's time to let me go…"_

"_No...I – I can't… not yet." Dean mutters._

" _Some things were never meant to be forever, Dean."_

"_Cas…Please…"_

"_It's time to wake up, close your eyes." his voice slowly vanishing._

"_When your time comes, we'll meet again…"_

"_No! Cas, don't go!" _

"_Close your eyes, Dean. Close your eyes…"_

Dean wakes up, bathed in sweat. _It was just a dream_.

He sits up on his bed and stares blankly at Cas's trenchcoat - lying folded on the desk - lost in thoughts. Then he quickly gets up, picks up the trenchcoat and marches down to the basement.

_It's so hard to lose the one you love, to finally have to say goodbye. You try to be strong but the pain keeps holding on and all you can do is cry. _

_Deep within your heart you know it's time to move on, when the fairy tale that you once knew is almost gone._

"I'll miss you and your freakin' trenchcoat." Dean mutteres to no one in particular.

He smiles and puts the trenchcoat in a wooden box. He places it on the top shelf with a tag that says 'Castiel'. He quickly wipes a tear from his cheek as he slowly walks away.

When he's back at the door, he turns around and smiles one more time. Right before he switches the light off he looks up and mumbles, barely hearable: "Goodbye Cas." and when he closes the door behind him, a piece of paper whirls down from nowhere, and lands on the floor of the now pitch-black storage room. There was a small text, written in a curly handwriting:

_Technically, it's an overcoat. _

_I love you Dean. Always and forever._


End file.
